Whining and Fear

Ken's Facebook status: "Need to learn how (decide?) to juggle without feeling like a failure when I drop a ball. As it stands, they don't move, because they're in my hands. That sounded gross, but I actually don't mean it that way at all."

Aaron Lozano's response: "ya you do! Sike! Funny thing about juggling. When you drop one...you pick it up and start over again. Everyone starts at the beginning. they learn to handle all three balls at one time. You can do it!"

My message to Aaron: "Thanks...the problem may not be ability, but it's definitely with me wanting (demanding) to feel confident while doing it and "not horrible/bad" while failing. And when I see myself doing it lately, instead of not responding to the feeling (not that I usually do that), I mourn myself and feel worse because I feel bad and am scared...of what? Of...rejection, probably. Of being a "bad" and "stupid" and "failed" person. Right now, I'm a wreck, emotionally. I think. I would prefer to not exist. If I didn't believe in the kind of afterlife that's similar to the now-life, I'd just end it. I don't feel there's anything to gain by continuing to live, or anything to lose by ceasing. If how I feel/act/interpret now is my fate for eternity, I have zero desire to continue. If my current frame of interpretation means that all growth is never good enough, fuck growth and give me sweet release - a nothingness that insulates me from ALL feeling and possibility of feeling. I'm afraid of bad feelings. I have usually interpreted them as I'm failing, I've failed, I'm unacceptable, I'm worthless, I'm shameful. I may do 10x less shameful things than 10 years ago, but it just doesn't matter as long as I feel the same way with the same frequency as I always have. I swear to Whomever that I would rather have never been born than to have lived this fail/failing life. Every day convinces me further that I'm fucked because I cannot (will not...) let go of my self-loathing and assumptive interpretations I demand to be reality. To the smart people who have solutions that should work (stop acting just because you feel a thing...), the fix is simple. I think I need a lobotomy for that to happen. Or a lot of hypnosis or brainwashing. Or just some way to cease existing. One thing I won't take to "fix" this is anti-depressants. If the problem can be solved in a way that works for me, it will have to be in the change of my thought processes, not in the readjustment of chemicals. Those may dull the pain like nothingness/death, but not as completely, so why not just choose nothingness? Well, because I don't believe it exists. Now I'm mixing up belief and the demand for good feelings. This is all so fucked up. My brain/emotions are fucked up. And the potential conversations to be had with Mike, Tim, Jason, whomever doesn't give a shit how I feel but wants me to live truth, will result in me feeling stupider, more incompetent, and more of a failure. Unless they don't. But I'm afraid of them all the same and think they will, because what the fuck are they gonna do - hug me and tell me it will be ok? The only answer to this it seems is some words to tell me I'm thinking like a madman and stop doing it. Then comes the stupidity as I have no confidence that I can. Then comes the admonition that I don't have to feel confident to act differently. But do actions change interpretation? My interpretation seems pretty out-of-whack just in my interpretive comparison of how I act and how others act. Then there's the problem that I'm relying on a flawed interpretation to compare things and trusting it when I just said it was flawed. Bottom line: I want to not feel stupid. Ever. I want to feel like I'm valuable even when I'm scared and when I'm sad and when I'm angry. If that part could stick around, I don't know what I'd do or how I'd live. As it is, that's the first thing to go whenever there's a "negative" feeling. Of course, "positive" feelings are even better because they mean I'm awesome, I'm the shit, I'm amazing, Go Ken! Truth seems to offer something else to people who want good feelings over reality. It offers truth and doesn't concern itself with your infatuation over yourself and your self-worth/esteem. How do I know this? Probably in the same fucked up way I "know" I'm worthless every time I get a bad feeling. I don't know."

Friday Feb. 26th

Hey guys, you are all invited over to my house for conversation about the book on Friday, Feb. 26th at 9pm.

Have a good rest of the week!

Jolene